Fun memories

I found myself talking a lot about Gessner yesterday. First at the cancer institute while I was there for chemo and the various appointments that are associated with that and then with a friend. She played a voice mail message that she had on her phone from him, trying to plan a belated birthday party for me. Unfortunately we never got to have that party, but he was sure excited about it. We both ended up in tears at that point, but the happy-sad type that aren't so bad.

Here are a couple of great stories (in my opinion at least) that I have about Gess from our early days together.

One weekend after we first started to flirt seriously I went out of town with my girlfriends and we took a long horseback ride that resulted in my getting pretty sunburned. When I got back to the dorms after our trip, I found several messages from Gess and called him back. We talked for awhile and I recounted the details of my trip, including my sunburn and he said that he had something that worked great on sunburns that he could bring to me. So we said that we would meet up in front of the chapel on campus. I went as I was--in plaid, Dr. Seuss boxer shorts and an old purple t-shirt from a campus event at my previous college. I probably didn't have any makeup on (I rarely wore it) and wore my hair down. I arrived at the chapel and waited and waited and waited for what seemed like an eternity. Finally I could see him walking down the sidewalk toward me. As he approached I noticed that he took much more care in getting ready for our meetup. His hair looked wet and freshly combed. I could smell a new application of cologne and see that his clothes were much less casual than mine--nice jeans with a polo shirt tucked into them and a leather jacket. Oops! I guess we had different ideas about what the meeting was for :) He gave me a bottle of solarcaine and we walked around campus a bit.

During one part of our walk he accidentally stepped right into the sprinkles (you see, I think that all of this proves just how smitten he was with me). I laughed, of course, and in retribution he picked me up and carried me into the sprinkles (I was much skinnier back then!). We laughed and he eventually walked me back to my dorm.

I ended up getting a cold and was sick the next day. When he found out he sent flowers to me. They were in a red M&M "vase" and had a pack stuck to them. The flowers were an assortment of reds and yellows and the card said "Get Well and Sorry for getting you sick last night"--though I am sure that getting me wet had nothing to do with the cold. But, suffice it to say, I was pretty smitten too.

A few weeks later we were "studying" in a small restaurant on campus with some other acquaintances. We were eating stuff like french fries and nachos and drinking soda and occasionally working on homework. Gess and I were sitting next to each other, of course--and at one point Gess says to me, "Hey Lisa, look." So I turned my head and to look at him as he takes an empty Pepsi can and attempts to smash it using his forehead. The can did not crush, however, and instead cuts him in two places! The entire table started laughing and he made some remark about how he had done it a thousand times before. I'm still not sure why he thought crushing a can on his forehead would impress me, but I am positive that the failed attempt had a better result than if he had succeeded. For some reason I thought that it was cute and to this day, 14 years later, I smile every time I think about that night.

I miss this guy so much, but am so grateful to have so many happy (and crazy memories)!

Looking for hope

One of the biggest things that I have struggled with since Gessner's death is finding some sort to hope to cling to and to look to for the future. To be brutally honest, most days I wish that I could just be where he is. (And before you get all worried--I am not suicidal and I've talked to my therapists about this and it's normal, etc.). Being a widow and working through the grief is hard. People tell me that it will get better. That I need to have hope for the future. But I have a lot of trouble with that. My life experience is that once you get through one difficult patch, there is another difficult patch waiting for you. So I have been stubbornly resisting buying into this idea that there is something good for me waiting at the other end of this journey. My grief counselor finally got me to agree to have a hope of a hope of a hope that there might be something good for me at the end. Yeah, I'm a stubborn one.

Enter breast cancer. I want to scream, "See, I told you that this is what happens!" I'm not even through the grief journey--really I'm just starting--and something else happened. And this is something big. So once again I am faced with a mountain sized obstacle--one that I cannot ignore, even if I wanted to. I remember the first few days after I was diagnosed, all I could do was cry. And with those tears I begged Gessner to bring me him. Maybe this was the grand plan after all, and he was just readying my place for our next life together. Perhaps I would be one of those spouses who died shortly after their partners and people would say that I died from a broken heart. If I could have chosen in those early days, I would have chosen that in a heart beat.

But eventually my stubborness kicked and in and I decided that after all I had made it through, breast cancer wasn't going to be the end of me--or at least not without a fight. And so the battle began. Lisa versus Gertrude. To the death. We're still in battle and neither seems to be giving an inch right now. But I have surgeons on my side that will cut her out. So, my chances are good. But only time will tell.

Even with this renewed "fight," I struggle to be hopeful and can't picture a good outcome. There are times when I have a generalized sense that things will be alright, but I can't visualize anything specific. I can't dream about future possibilities or play out different scenarios in my mind. This is a coping technique I've often used in the past to help me get through difficult times. When Gess was really sick, for example, I would visualize a trip that we would take when he felt better or during the middle of exams in law school, I would think about the life we might have once I graduated and was a practicing attorney. Those dreams are what made it possible to sludge through the mud and make it through each new challenge.

But now, when I need as much help as I can get, I can't dream of a good future. I have been frustrated by this inability and it didn't really make any sense to me. And then it hit me like a two-by-four across the forehead. I can't dream about a future because any future that I have does not involve Gessner. When that realization hit me, it felt like an "a-ha" moment and a "duh" moment at the same time. So simple, yet so profound.

The reason that I can't dream about my future is because my everything is wrapped up in Gessner and he is gone. And if I dream about a future that does not include him, I am accepting that he is really gone. I know that he wants me to be happy and to have an amazing future, I have no doubts about that whatsoever. But at the same time, the thought of being happy without him seems not only impossible, but also unnatural. I had my chance at happiness and now he is gone.

So, I know what my hang up is, but still have no idea on how to get past it. I asked my brother to think about his life and what he wanted it to look like and then identify what was standing in the way of him getting there. My therapist turned the question back on me and I can't answer it. I can't think of what I want my life to look like right now and one of the things that is standing in the way of me visualizing this is because I can't imagine my life without Gessner. So, maybe that's a start. I don't know. I don't know how to get to a point where I can visualize something concrete to fight for. It would certainly help me on those days when I just want to bow out of this fight. But as a friend told me recently, there is no graceful way to just give up and died. Breast cancer isn't like that. So for now, my only chance is to fight. Some days the fight comes easily, others I fight because I have no other option. Hope or no hope, I must get out of bed every day, breath in and out, and put one foot in front of the other.

Just a picture of Gess

Playing tug with Beauty :)

Everything I learned about being a patient...

Everything I learned about being a patient, I learned from my husband. My husband was born with cystic fibrosis and struggled with it his entire life. I knew about it from the beginning of our relationship and it became one of the biggest parts of our life together--taking up so much of our time and energy. In a lot of ways my primary role was as witness. Witness to the pain and suffering that my husband endured and witness to his beautiful, wonderful life despite of CF. I was the one person who saw it all, walking beside him, holding his hand. For some reason now, the fact that I was there to witness feels like one of the more important roles of my life. I got to see all of the parts, where he only showed other people certain parts.

As the witness, I always saw him in his role of patient many times. He was a different man when he was in a hospital gown. At times the different behaviors drove me crazy, but I could also understand the reasoning for some of them. And now, as I am forced to wear a patient gown, I see myself modeling my behavior after Gessner. It was so exact the other day that I felt like Gess was speaking through me. It was during my first chemotherapy treatment.

I arrived to the Cancer Institute about half-hour early, picked up my lab slip and went to the lab. It was my first treatment and somehow I already knew the routine. Check it at the front desk, get lab slip, take slip to lab, get blood drawn, take slip back to the front desk. It went seemlessly; the nurse accessed my port, drew my labs, and put a dressing on the port so I could keep it until I did my treatment. I took my slip back to the front desk and sat in the lobby to wait. And wait. And wait. Gess taught me to always have something with me to do while waiting...so I had my iPod, iPad, knitting, and a kindle full of books. I also had a friend with me and the hospital had jigsaw puzzles on a table. So, we were sufficiently entertained during the wait.

Finally we went back to a treatment room, for some more waiting. Again, something that Gess went through all of the time. There was some delay in getting my assignment for a clinic trial, so we literally sat there waiting for the researchers to randomize me. I handled the waiting with poise and grace, not by getting grumpy at the nurses or pacing around the room.

The results were finally brought to my room and I signed the consent forms and the nurse took me up to the infusion floor. More waiting, but I tried to stay calm by listing to my "relaxing" playlist. Gess often slept at these times if possible.

When I went back to an infusion room, the nurse told me that they need to get another blood draw and that it needed to come from my arm, instead of my port. This happened a lot with Gess and I know that it was frustrating for him. But, Gess never allowed himself to take that frustration out on the nurse or the phlebotomist. And just as he would have, I found myself smiling at him as he walked in, asking how his day ways, and making other small talk. I apologized for him having to come all the way upstairs just to get my blood and as he left, Gess's words came out of my mouth, "Well, thank you sir. Have a good one." Those were his words, but they felt completely natural coming out of my mouth.

Gessner's demeanor and attitude with the doctors and nurses impressed everyone he encountered. I received countless notes and cards from nurses and MAs who had cared for Gessner during his many stays and they all commented on how friendly and positive he was even when he was feeling so sick. I want to be like Gess in this way and want the people who I encounter during the journey to have a positive association with me. Of course, there were plenty of times during my reign as wife that I had to be stern or demanding of medical professionals--and those times were necessary. But for the most part, I want to be a caring and compassionate person to those around me, even when I am not at my best.

Good morning from Gessner

I've been thinking a lot about Gessner lately. I think about him a lot anyways, but the last couple week have been particularly difficult because of the egg retrieval and the anticipation of starting chemo. At one point during my lowest part--partially induced by the mega doses of hormones cruising through my body and probably the highest amounts of stress I have had in awhile--I felt utterly and miserably alone. It happened because I was having trouble finding someone to take me to the appointment to have my eggs harvested. It was late notice and the date kept changing and I understand logically that people have plans. But, my heart was broken realizing that I no longer have "the person" whose job it is to take you to these types of appointments and to be with you no matter what. My relationship with my biological family isn't one where I can get that type of support for a variety of reasons. But since I was about 19 and feel in love with Gessner, he was always my person. And because he loved me and was committed to me, it was his "job" to take care of me, one that he usually did willingly and lovingly. It was his job to drive me if I couldn't drive myself. And to be brutally honest, it was his job to be there with me that day to hold my hand and get me through that process. But, he's gone and he wasn't there. And yes, there is anger that he is not here for this even though I know that he would have given anything to not leave me.

Now, I don't want to discount all of my wonderful friends. I am so lucky to have so many caring, loving, fun, crazy people in my life and my life would be so boring and empty without them. But, as much as any of us might want them to be able to fill the void left by Gessner fully, it just can't be done. The egg retrieval turned out fine and I had multiple people that could take me, but the experience was just a very lonely one for me at times.

This morning I woke up at a very un-Lisa like hour of 5:30 am, with no prompting, no sudden noises, lights, or anything to wake me. Beauty wasn't even awake and gave me her look of utter annoyance when she saw me start to stir. I closed my eyes and tried to will myself back to sleep, but I could tell immediately that I wasn't going to fall back asleep and if I did, it wouldn't be of the restful sort, so I got out of bed.

Beauty stayed in bed, probably hoping that I was just up for a short bathroom break and would be back in bed soon. She is most definitely not a morning person. But after she heard me pouring my cereal, putting her food in her bowl, and turning on the computer, she got up to see what I was doing. I ate a bowl of cereal and took my investigational chemotherapy drug. I had to wait at least 30 minutes to take the rest of my morning medications (also with food--so I guess it is going to be two breakfasts for me for the next 12 weeks). So I checked facebook a bit and posted to convey my annoyance about being up so early. Too many emails, no desire to check them, so I decided to do something else.

Another part of my "therapy" is to take 10 minute walks at least 4 days per week. This is a laughable exercise regimen for me and to be honest, I am a bit peeved about it, but I'll leave that for another day. Adding Beauty into my walks is a bit tricky because she is a beagle and beagles like to sniff everything that they pass. This can lead to 30 minute "walks" that cover about 4 city blocks. Not the kind of cardio that is called for in even this "exercise light" program that I am on. But, at the same time, it seems wasteful to take a brisk 10 minute walk by myself and then have to walk Beauty again later on. Plus, I always worry that her anxiety is going to flare up and she will cry when I leave the apartment. I haven't heard any complaints (and I can't hear my neighborhood's dog or toddler most of the time, so I think that I'm safe), but I don't want to risk walking them up at 6:00 am for no good reason. I also have way overdue library books, so I decided that I will have a multi-tasking walk--getting in my 10 minutes of cardio, giving Beauty her chance to sniff away and catch up on the goings on of the neighborhood, drop off my books, and hit Starbucks.

I decided that the best way for this plan to work was to let Beauty have some sniff time and time to do her morning doggy business to start with so my chances of 10 minutes of uninterrupted brisker walking would be better. That seemed to work for the most part, though I had to pull her away from an especially fragrant rhododendron bush. We got to the library, with 4 more minutes of brisk walking left, so I took her through an empty parking lot, walking down the middle where I figured there would be fewer distractions. Mission accomplished. Library book returned--large fines inevitable.

If I'm up this early and out walking, surely that means a trip to Starbucks is in order. I have been feeling guilty about not using reusable mugs when I go out to get coffee, so I looked at the selection there and found one that I liked because I could decorate it myself and then change the look as often as I want. But, after the cashier rung it up I asked what size it held and it held a grande, whereas I get a tall. So, no dice. I have several travel mugs sitting unused on my shelf because they are just not quite right and so I wasn't going to buy another one to collect dust. In fact, as soon as I finish this blog, I am going to take down those unused ones and put them in my donation pile. And then my new obsession is going to be the search for the perfect travel mug, perfect reusable water bottle, and perfect bag to carry all of the things that I need in a perfectly organized fashion. That should keep me occupied for a few weeks!

Anyway, I got my drink (double, tall, soy latte in case you wondered) and went on my way. Beauty had had enough of the brisk walking, so we took a more leisurely pace. I forgot my cell phone at home, so I could not be tempted to check my email or post on facebook, so I just enjoyed the cool morning weather, the hot latte in my hand, and that fact that I feeling pretty darn good, especially after nine long hours at the cancer center yesterday, my first dose of chemo, and about 5 hours of sleep. Beauty stopped at a tree and found something especially interesting so lingered there for a bit. I watched her, wondering, like I often do what it would be like to be a dog and what she was thinking at that very moment. Then I started thinking about the chemo treatment of the day before and decided that I would blog about it when I got home. I wanted to write (inspired in part by a facebook friend's daily word count reports), but wasn't really in the mood to work on my memoir with so much new news in the forefront of my mind.

Beauty started to move on and so I turned around toward the side walk and there it was sitting right in front of me in the middle of the sidewalk as if it had been specifically placed there for me to see. One white and gray pigeon feather. I smiled immediately and felt Gessner with me. Most would probably wonder how a pigeon feather could have this effect on me, pigeons are gross, shit everywhere, and carry disease. But I always think of Gessner when I see a feather because of a story he told me from when he was a little boy. He used to hunt for and collect feathers and then would take them and try to sell them around the neighborhood for a nickel a piece. He was a born salesman and I can't imagine anyone being able to resist that smile of his. For some reason, I have always found this story so cute and smile a wide, cheesy grin every time I think about it.

Before I really had a chance to consider what I was doing, I picked up the feather. Normally I would tell Gessner not to touch feathers. That they are gross and probably have some sort of lingering disease that is going to cause him a stay in the hospital. But I didn't hear my neurotic warnings and instead picked it up, gently touching the front and the back, stroking it as I might stroke Gessner's hand, and then placed it carefully into the pocket of my hoodie.

As we walked back home I thought about the feather and what I was and was not going to do with it. First of all, I was going to scrub my hands immediately upon entering the apartment. Second of all, I was not, most definitely not, going to google anything about germs or pigeon diseases and refuse to listen to any well-meaning friends who insist on doing so. Then I thought that I would put it in a scrapbook or use it in one of the new mixed media pieces that I am working on. But when I got home and emptied my pocket, the feather was not there. I searched the bag I had my books in, my wallet and felt around the insides to see if it had gotten stuck somewhere. I walked back down the hallway and to the elevator, wondering if it had fallen out when I took my keys out of the pocket. But the feather was gone.

Mentally I was sad that the feather was gone because to me it was a message from Gessner, it was an embodiment of him. But emotionally I was still smiling because i had just encountered him and will have that encounter with or without a physical feather in my hand. I love these little reminders that Gess is still with me. For about the last month, I haven't felt him or seen him here and that made me very sad and lonely. But he came back. He was with me yesterday as I sat in my chemo chair and he met me on the street in Ballard this morning. These are what I hold on to now and file them away in my heart where he will always be.

Seven weeks

And it really hasn't gotten better. There are "good" days or moments. I go out with my friends and I laugh. But there is still a gaping hole in my heart and I carry that with me always. I still wake up in the morning and reach out for Gessner. Realizing he isn't there is not a good way to start out the morning. I still see things that make me think "I can't wait to tell Gessner..." and the reality hits me again. It is like a cruel joke.

I am doing all of the things that grieving widows are "supposed" to do. I am trying to sleep, trying to eat, getting a little exercise, but not too much, seeing my friends, etc. But really I don't know if it is helping. I don't think that there is anything that can help. The simple fact is that my husband is gone. Gessner is my life and now he is gone. I don't know how to be without him and honestly I don't want to have to figure it out. I am exhausted. I don't want to find the "new" me. I don't want to be a widow--I hate that word and everything that it means. I want people to stop looking at me like I'm broken...but I am broken and I don't know if I will ever be whole again. On nights like this, it doesn't seem possible. I feel like my life is over and I am just going through the motions now.

Engagement

Wow, this month has flown by! I can't believe that June is almost over. We got engaged in June, so I often like to celebrate, but because of all of the stuff happening, we really didn't get to do anything. Our engagement story is great. Gess tricked me and planned out this elaborate scheme, which included the rose garden at Boise State U, flying from Boise (where we lived at the time) to Seattle, meeting some of Gess's family, dinner at a beautiful restaurant on the water, and the flying back home. He also had a friend videotape the engagement. I will have to dig up that tape sometime...but for now, here are a couple of pictures from that day (11 years ago!!)! Aren't we cute?? :)

Because they make me smile...

My silly husband and dog :)

Happy Halloween!

Lots of Wedding Pictures

So, I have been married for almost 10 years!! Recently we got all of our photos scanned in, so now I have digital versions of our wedding photos. We were young and poor when we got these, so please keep that in mine when viewing :)

Me :)

Hubby

Gess didn't want me to look taller than him in the pics, so I wore keds :)

Awwww

Pretty Cake

One of my favorite pictures--I wish I remember what I was saying :)

I like this one too!

My little brother taking my picture

Signing on the dotted line...look at my MOH's face :)

History--Engagement

So...I am feeling a bit sentimental tonight, so I thought that I would tell my engagement story. I had been dating Gess for a year. It was our 1 year anniversary and Gess told me that he had a job interview in Boise so that we would go out for lunch after. He talked to my professor (the joys of a small college) and got me excused from the quiz. We drove into Boise (we lived in Nampa at the time, which is about 20 minutes away). He told me that we had some time before his interview (which was supposedly at Home Depot) so we would go to the rose garden that we liked to go to. So, we went and walked around. He was being sweet and stopped us in front of a particular rose bush--the Singing in the Rain roses. Then he got down on one knee and proposed. I said yes (of course), and then he pointed out that one of his professors was a little ways away videotaping the proposal. So sweet! After that, the professor took some pictures of us around the garden (see them below).

After that Gess said that he really did need to go to the interview and we got in the car and drove off. He "got lost" and we ended up at the Boise Airport. He told me that there was one more surprise in the airport, so we went inside. We got through security (after I showed off my bling to the security checkers of course!) and went to one of the gates (this was pre-9/11 and the changes in security). We sat there for awhile and then there was a call for a flight to Seattle. Gess stood up and said "That's us!" He had booked us on a flight to Seattle for the day. I was so excited.

He wanted it to be special so he rented a Town Car--not the best car for Seattle :) I remember him trying to parallel park that thing :) Anyway, he had arranged for us to meet his cousins for coffee. After that we went to downtown Seattle and just walked around. Then we had dinner at Palisade. It was a great dinner and a beautiful location.

Then we got back on the plane and flew back to Seattle. The next day, half of the college knew about the engagement, so it was easy for me to show off my ring and talk about the story.

Isn't he sweet??? :)

What Joy Looks Like

I LOVE this picture of my hubby when he was little. Makes me smile everytime I see it! :)

Scanmyphotos.com

Like many people we lots of old pre-everyone-has-a-digital-camera-days photos sitting around. We have had "scan in photos" on our "to do list" for a very long time (it is even on my 101 list!). So when I heard about a company that does it for you and is reasonably priced, I was all over it! In August there was an article in the NY Times about scanmyphotos.com, so I decided to check it out. You have to arrange your photos by size, which took some time, but in the end it was well worth it. Last Thursday I mailed out 11 pounds worth of old photographs. Today when I arrived at my office my photos were returned along with a DVD with all 1368 photos on it. The quality is pretty good and the turn around was so fast. The total cost--about $140 (which included shipping both ways). Well worth it IMHO. So, now you will get to see lots and lots of old photos--including never-before-posted wedding photos from my 1999 wedding...I bet you are on the edge of your seat!! Anywho...I am excited about being able to post all of these old photos. And also to play around with editting them in photoshop! To start it off right...here are a couple of wedding photos--January 2, 1999!

I am ready for a vacation!

I know, we went to Belize in July....but I am ready for a vacation!  Here are a couple of pictures from a previous vacation:

This one is in at Dunn Falls in Montego Bay Jamaica (December 2006)

And this one is in Grand Cayman (same trip--we were out kayaking)

Time for more old photos!!

These pictures were taken in November 1999 in Orlando.  I can't believe I owned those pants!!

"Old" New Pictures

I realized that I never posted our "original" portraits by Clane (http://www.clanegesselphotography.blogspot.com/). This is actually how we met Clane. We were at the Ballard Farmer's Market one Sunday in March, getting some produce and enjoying the community when we saw Clane's booth set up. He was selling prints of his amazing landscapes and I overheard him talking to someone about doing portraits as well. I had been bugging Gessner for months to get portraits, so I went over to talk to Clane. He said that he did do portraits and that he had an opening the following weekend, but then was booked up for awhile. So, I went home and check out his blog and loved his work and Gess called right away and we set it up. So the next week we met Clane on Alki and he took our photos. He seemed like such a nice guys, so I suggested that we should get coffee sometime...and the rest is as they say "history!" Clane is such a great guy, and we love his girlfriend Skylar too. So...anyway, here are the photos that started the friendship :)